Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
