how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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