My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
