I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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