did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize