I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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