someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
