Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
