Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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