My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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