Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
