cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize