FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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