My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
