Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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