I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
