He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
