Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
