I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
