I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
