I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
