I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
