Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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