I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
