watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
