weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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