And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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