I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
