Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
