Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
