Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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