no, he came in my armpit
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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