I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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