Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
there is glitter all over my balls
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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