She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
