tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
