ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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