I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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