Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
