Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize