the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
