I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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