im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im holly from the hills drunk
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
