just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
