I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
