News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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