normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
