Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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