Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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