My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
