Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
