That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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