I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
