Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
