hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
